Suit Shopping Adventure

After much arguing and reasoning with my parents, Alaina and I set out for Greensburg, PA yesterday. The drive was super easy and a little under an hour. We shopped around the Westmoreland Mall which was overflowing with bitchy white women and their gift cards.

I discovered the reason I am faced with such difficulty when trying to find a nice-fitting suit: my arms are freakishly long whereas my torso is short. So finding a slim, short suit with long arms is difficult.

However, we discovered a dark gray suit at Macy's. A very busy and flustered cashier kindly helped us pick out the right size and pin it up. I have to pick up the altered jacket in two weeks.

We decided that we still wanted to check out Pittsburgh and H & M just in case a better deal existed. On the way out of the mall, we quickly stopped at Chick-fil-A. Believe it or not, but after eighteen years of living in Western Pennsylvania, I had not eaten at the favored fast food restaurant. We ate our chicken and waffle fries in the car, and I finally understood the delicious awesomeness.

Anyway, Alaina wanted to drive to Pittsburgh. Driving with her is always interesting. We were guided by a TomTom GPS that we borrowed from Adam. Whenever it spoke a direction, Alaina and I would both jump out of our skin. Furthermore, Alaina believed that every direction had to be carried out immediately. The TomTom would say, "Merge left in three miles." Alaina would shriek something along the lines of "Holy ****! Move *******!" Suddenly, every car around us turned into one of Ramona's seven evil exes who would do everything in their power to stop us from turning left.

The route from Greensburg also involved the turnpike. Dun. Dun. Dun.

As we approached the turnpike entrance, we realized that we were too far away from the ticket dispenser. This meant that Alaina would have to open her car door in order to reach out and grab the ticket.

It was sort of like those Visa commercials when someone pays with cash. Alaina was the dude paying with cash.

As she reached out for the ticket, someone shouted "Whoa! Whoa!" Alaina quickly sped off, and I felt like we had just robbed a bank.

Entering the main road, Alaina remarked, "I feel like I'm on a ride at Disney World." Then the evil guy who was behind us - probably the "Whoa!" dude, almost hit us as he impatiently tried to merge from behind us. He was a pedophile in a pickup truck with a bunch of suits. Why? I ask. We should have hijacked the suits.

Seriously, when Alaina opened her door to grab the ticket, what did he think we were going to do? Let's look at the possibilities. This brings me to...

Things to do at a Turnpike Entrance other than Simply Taking a Stupid Ticket:

• Steal all of the tickets so that no one else can enter the turnpike. Suckers!
• Hold all three turnpike workers at gunpoint.
• Rob all of the quarters.
• Sit and have a two-hour conversation about the meaning of Inception.
• Eat the Ramen noodles that you've been storing in a thermos.
• Make love.
  
• Go for a walk.
  
• Commence to ballroom dance.

I'm sure there are many others, but I'm getting sick of typing. I want to talk more about the trip, New Year's Eve, and a shocking revelation about girls, hair, and baby powder, but all that will have to wait until tomorrow. Stay tuned. Happy 2011!