An Epidemic

Alright. I wanted to blog last night, but I was exhausted. So as the snow falls outside and yet another possible snow day looms, I sit and type.

My fourth and final Winter Formal was last weekend. Alaina wore a crazy Black Swan-like dress, and I wore my new suit. Out of all four years, this one was my favorite. I had a lot of fun mainly due to my small, tight group of awesome friends for whom I'm super thankful for.

However, another school dance once again brought to my attention a major epidemic that is sweeping the nation (I think). Grinding.

For those of you who live in a cave or are home schooled, grinding is the latest dance craze - if you want to call it dancing.

I was going to use an Urban Dictionary definition, but they were all kind of vulgar. Basically, grinding involves a guy rubbing his junk all over a girl's rear end. Grinding really doesn't involve any dance skill. You just have to be able to move your hips. Let's not kid ourselves - grinding is pretty much sex on the dance floor.

I've included some beautiful, hand-drawn sketches to illustrate the various grinding positions.

Now while engaging in said grinding, one has a few options.

A girl can...

• Close her eyes.
• Work her body up and down.
• Rub her hands through the boy's hair.
• Play with the boy's tie.
• Gasp.
• Moan.
• Etc.

A boy can...

• Turn into a robot drained of all emotion.
• Stare into space and think about things such as flowers and baseball in order to avoid becoming too "excited."

I don't know if it's like this at every school, but no one dances at McCort dances. Everyone grinds. And I mean EVERYONE - jocks, cheerleaders, drama geeks, nerds, goths, religious zealots, the people that don't know where the heck they belong, and the people who you would never expect to see grinding.


You look around, and everyone's going at it with concentration only matched by a roomful of tired teenagers taking the SATs. And they grind to every song. My favorite grind is the "awkward grind." This occurs when a non-rap song begins to play, and everyone tries to adjust their rubbing. They always find a way - even on country songs and pop ballads.

Then these people will try to talk to you. Do they realize they're getting it on while trying to talk to me about the weather outside?


The scariest part is that no one is safe. You don't need permission to grind. Girls will come up to you and just stop rubbing on your crotch without warning. It's like you need to walk around with a sign on your neck. "Please don't grind me."


And all of this leads to the question of the night. I do everything in my power to keep this blog to a PG rating, so please know that I chose the wording of the next sentence with great care.

I don't care if you have the self-control of Ghandi, no guy can handle all that rubbing for an extended period of time without getting a visit from his "special friend".

I asked some anonymous girls at lunch, and they reported that guys have gotten visits from their "special friends" while grinding with them. They further stated, "It was kind of awkward and uncomfortable, but at the same time it was like, wow, I'm really turning him on."

So then what? Are there hundreds of "special friends" out on the dance floor? When did this become socially acceptable? I'm not a prude, but as a beloved french teacher stated, "Why would you want to do that in public?" What memories are you going to take away from that night?


If you must bump and grind, why not later in a dark basement or in the back of a car where no one can see you? And why not with someone special? I personally prefer not to rub my junk all over some stranger.


I'm not telling people what they can and cannot do. But take a step back and look at it. It's sort of awkward, funny, and weird. Dances are becoming chances for teens to let out all of their stored up sexual angst. It should be called Winter Orgy.

Whatever. I'm a nerd and a hopeless romantic. I'm more of the "old fashioned, black and white, kiss me in the rain" type than the "we met in da club and went back to my place" type.